Change…

The only thing constant is change…

As i reflect on that thought, it brings me to the conclusion that change comes in two flavors; slowly which hardly feels noticeable or in monumental waves leaving me to feel overwhelmed and at times, to great to even bare.

Over time, things do in fact change, I grow, change, morph, conform, fight back, people around me have changed, feelings change, I continue to learn and make modifications… also, the people around me have done the same thing. My ideal of right and wrong have changed as I grow, what is and isn’t acceptable has also changed. My own personal value has changed in relation to all these factors. For me, some things crept in slowly over time and as a result became my ’normal’. Even if that normal wasn’t good for me, I didnt see it, as the change was subtle. Kind like gaining weight… I don’t see the ounces that turns into pounds each and every day – until one day my eyes open and I see the 25lbs that wasn’t there a short time ago. My life in the last 10 years have been just that. I grew to accept a normal that should never have been normal. I accepted the unexceptable over a period of time making it my new normal until one day, my eyes opened and I made the drastic change to become healthy – like going on that crash diet. Just like gaining all that weight creates a sense of guilt, shame, self resentment and even disgust… realizing my new normal was not healthy has caused the same feelings and emotions. Sense of self worth becomes overwhelming and the crash diet doesn’t get one where they want to go fast enough and eventually, the diet doesn’t work and the feeling of self worth plummets once again. What a cycle. I have come to realize that living as I was has caused some internal things to break or to be hindered. The ability to feel love or even the ability to accept love for what it is has been shook to its core allowing doubt to come in and set up shop…

This leads once again to change.. the ability to change unhealthy to healthy, that sustainable diet of good healthy people in my life, a good solid dose of love that I doubt I even deserve or warrant. That is the similarity of being able to work out, the doubt that I can even do it, and when I do work out, it leaves my muscles sore, like a heart that has been trampled for so long, it too is ‘sore’, hurt and broken. Needing to be fed properly and convincing myself that I deserve to be fed properly, that I deserve to be healthy. Once one has been in such a condition for so long, it seems as if change is impossible and that type of mentality is yet another change that crept in over time.

So then there is the BIG stuff, the changes that are so obvious, they are right in front of ones face. That change that is going to shake your world and change it forever. They can be changes for good and also changes for what may seem ‘bad’ at the time. It seems those negative changes or events that result in change, I deal with much easier, as if they are more a challenge to overcome verses a change that seems unsurmountable. A puzzle or a problem needing a solution. Then there are the positive changes, the ones that just make you happy to wake up, that make you smile for no reason at all… that sudden change of drama filled life to a drama-free life to sight one example of such a change. To have such a change of sheer loneliness to an overwhelming feeling of being loved, those changes can certainly motivate one to aggressively solve, overcome and solve any of the bigger things in life – its those positive changes, those world view changes that result in almost super-power abilities to take whatever negative changes head my way so much easier.

You see I struggle with some simple things as a result of living a ‘normal’ that just isnt normal.. in many periods of time for extended periods of time, I struggle with feeling worthy, with feeling deserving, with feeling as if what I have today, will remain ‘till death do us part’ or a new way to say it, until our time here is finished. Uncertainty and fear of crept in and no matter how confident I may seem on the outside, inside my mind races and at times paralyzes me.

I struggle… even today, I struggle… I want that to change!

I want to be convinced I am deserving, that I am worthy and that those that are true to me, will remain so… that is the change I seek today – quickly or in a flash, either way, I just want that change… I welcome change today and I want to continue to grow in it. The love i have today has become the very thing wiping away years of an old normal and creating a new normal. You see, I have been told today that it isnt too late, that I can be ‘retrained’ that I can be re-programed to a new normal – one full of love, patience and tolerance, one full of commitment, understanding and peace. Thank you to that one out there willing to be that ‘one’.